To Ever Slip in Composure

Have you ever had the urge to chat early in the morning and could find no one to?  Well, this is one of the moments.  I have many friends on social media, but “what in the world would they say?” is always on my mind when I imagine venturing over that end to chat.  After all, you would only say one thing to a friend but not to another.  Not so with anonymous chatting, you can chat away as long as you like without feeling that you’re impinging on another.

So reading Eat, Pray and Love this morning, her writing fed into this urge to just write anything.  Anything is good enough is written all over her writing, even though I know in the back of my mind that simple ranting would not, not without a certain set of vocabulary, or an intriguing content.

However, “I have never learned how to arrange my face into that blank expression of competent invisibility…you know-that super-relaxed, totally-in-charge expression which makes you look like you belong there, anywhere, everywhere…”.  I don’t want to hide into one of these facades again, no, not this morning.  Only when I read this, did I realize I was on my way to acquiring one of these facades, it appears so attractive that it prompts one to unconsciously fall onto its path.

Everyone expects it of you, you walk into a room and voila, they all wear a perfect one that suits their personality, rarely do you see a genuine one that would pass as a facade, which would without fail, bring all this into perspective.  In the meantime, if you were to stutter, flush, or slip a little in confidence, you fall right through the cracks into the floors, and you would see all the faces glaring down from above.

The thing is, I am never that confident in anything!  Not when it involves more than one person, it would make me presumptuous, conceited and tyrannical!  So you put on a facade, just to make people around you comfortable, you know, one of the considerate acts from people like me.  But it slips, from time to time, as it is after all, a facade.

In the meantime, I am struggling to become one of the genuine people who are comfortable within and without themselves.  That is the ultimate answer to a room full of uncomfortable people, including yourself.

Perhaps we all are not as confident as we seem to be, even though we will never in our life show it through our facade, we are all in fact trying to be nice to others, just that we fail ourselves from time to time, and we are simply too hard onto ourselves, therefore it slips through our facade when caught unawares.  Alas, we are onto another before we know it!

Oh yes, I understand it all, just that when I go out there, I am still conscious that I have a facade on, that I could only wish with a longing sigh, that I had “that super-relaxed, totally-in-charge expression which makes you look like you belong there, anywhere, everywhere…”

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